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i can't believe it's not a real word...

1. really, really good at remaining single
2. abstaining from spreadsheet usage, especially by reason of a moral vow

usage examples:
the reason you're the most excelibate person i know is that women tend to go for guys who, you know, shower regularly.

i do my budget with pencil and paper because i'm excelibate.

Older and Wiser

i turned 27 this week. according to every restaurant comment card, church visitor form, and random questionnaire with age-range checkboxes, i'm now officially in my late twenties. no longer do i fit in at any function labeled "young adult." i can't possibly be an "old adult" though, so i guess that means i must be an "adolescent adult." with this new life stage comes a greater level of maturity that i think people are seeing in me, because they're alway saying, "that was a pretty adolescent thing to do." personal growth sure is fulfilling when other people notice.

Targeting the Verile Market

lately i've noticed an inordinate amount of commercials on television related to erectile dysfuction. it seems to me that the corporate pharmecutical conspirators behind this massive effort to Viagrafy the male American population have remained oblivious to a very lucrative market on the other side of the proverbial coin. what about all of those young, single men whose all-too-healthy erectile function doesn't jive with their well-intentioned desire to remain sexually pure before their wedding night?

that's where i come in with a brilliant idea for a new product called AbstiMints. AbstiMints contain chemical and hormonal ingredients that physiologically eliminate a man's ability to participate in carnal knowledge. And they go one step further, giving him such bad breath that no self-respecting woman would even consider giving him a kiss, let alone giving him her whole body. you might be thinking, "if that's true, then AbstiMints must taste pretty bad," but in fact, they're uniquely designed to taste great, while still causing halitosis. AbstiMints simply have every angle covered to ensure prenuptual celibacy for any man.

this idea can't miss. i'm going to make millions.

Good All The Time

since i love rootbeer and vintage things, this faded advertisement was an image that i couldn't pass up.